All evidence supports the view that our invasion of the Austro-Hungarian Empire was an unqualified success, since: no more Empire! J&I briefly considered staying on as Emperor and Empress—it seemed a shame to let those palaces (summer and winter), the plush thrones, the sceptre and orb, and the crowns, go to waste—but in the end we decided against it; after all, the invasion had always been less about conquest, and more about liberating oppressed peoples (plus a bit about liberating oppressed pastries).
I’d rank our invasion’s most significant accomplishment as the founding of The Church of J2 and M, which so far has attracted a small but fanatical congregation. It was felt by the Church elders that a brief history of The Church of J2 and M would be useful, beginning with the Church’s conception, its founding, and the publication of a first draft of the Church’s commandments, to the Church’s current state of hiatus. We anticipate that this history will be of particular interest to those students of theology who are working towards their Bachelor of Divinity degree.
Those who read to the end will discover an updated list of Commandments, and some information on the Church’s ongoing recruitment drive.
Preamble to the collected Codas
Faithful readers of Danube to Dalmatia will recall that Church news was delivered through a series of codicils, usually in the form of Codas appended to daily accounts of our travels (which were in turn copiously illustrated with photographs of regional pastries). As official historians of The Church of J2 and M (unpaid), we felt it would be useful if all of the Church-related Codas were collected into one place, so that potential parishioners need not scan the blog’s considerable amount of non-Church-related material (and all of those unnecessary photographs) in their earnest search for religious content. Here, then, is an official chronology of The Church of J2 and M.
September 22: The founding of The Church of J2 and M, and a first draft of the Commandments thereof
At one point this morning [September 22], J2 and M were cycling along, deep in conversation—the Danube was to our left, I believe—when one of us (and it might have been M) said that what the world most needed just now was another religion. It was an epiphany, and it was rooted in the recognition that we were both happiest, and things always went more smoothly, when other people simply did what we asked of them. And that people would have to do what we asked if there were Commandments, aligned with our own personal convictions, which could not be challenged. Commandments, of course, require a religion to back them up, and this, I think, was the precise moment that The Church of J2 and M came into being.
The next step, naturally, was the compilation of these new Commandments, which we present to you in draft form below. Some of them are a bit vague at this early stage, and we’re not quite up to ten, but we’re publishing them now in electronic form (stone tablets are on order) in the hope that you Subscribers might be able to assist; sharpen up the wording, that sort of thing.
- Thou shalt have the coffee of thy heart’s desire daily [J2, though it could have been either of us, really]
- Thou shalt be happy [M, I think]
- Thou shalt be kind [M again]
- Thou shalt be accepting of the eccentricities of thy loved ones, without any rolling of thine eyes [J2, though the rolling of the eyes bit might have been M]
- Thou shalt not go all egocentric, or drunk with Godly power, too quickly; if thou must go all egocentric, it shalt be done slowly [J2, mainly; the last bit, M]
- Something about chocolate, pastries, and pretzels [J2. Ed: we thought that, by grouping these three, rather than making each into its own commandment, we would free up space for more commandments later]
- Still to come…
Live in accordance with the above and all should be well!
Further Commandments are solicited, and applications from potential new parishioners are now being accepted. We’re still setting up an account to accept donations to support the running of the Church. Maybe by next week. That’s it, really. Carry on…
September 23: The latest news about the Church
Yesterday’s announcement of the founding of our new religion, The Church of J2 and M, has brought an encouraging response: after just one day, our office staff have been kept busy processing a small deluge of applications for membership in our vibrant and forward-looking congregation; we’d urge both of you out there to be cautiously hopeful.
And to those of you who are still hesitant: we’d like to say that, while we realize that this is a big step for some, we firmly believe that the benefits of having J2 and M tell you exactly what to do—and to do it snappily—are self-evident, far outweighing the negligible drawbacks. Please review the proposed Commandments [above]; we’re confident that you’ll agree.
September 26: A status report on the Church; and an encouragement to confession
For those of you who have been requesting a status report on The Church of J2 and M: you’ll be pleased to hear that we’re definitely making progress! The number of new parishioners has doubled, and we’ve had to take on additional staff. The commandments are also progressing; it looks as if we might even crack “the magic 10 barrier”, so I’ve ordered an additional stone tablet. An update will be posted very soon. In the meantime: if you’ve got anything you’d like to confess, please email us all of the particulars, or simply submit them using the convenient comment form, below. We promise to have your absolution to you within a day, or two at most.
September 27: An important note from M, co-founder of The Church of J2 and M
I might have made a slight error yesterday when I said that the number of parishioners had doubled. It turns out that one of the new “yes!”es was actually a “maybe”; and the other was some kind of misdial (she said that she’d actually been intending to sign up for yoga). So we’re still at two.
Our partners, F and J, are still holding steady with “possibly; we’ll get back to you later.” Which is actually kind of frustrating, since the whole purpose of us starting the Church was to have some sort of official agreement that J2 and I would be allowed to tell them what to do, and that they’d do it snappily.
So there’s what I guess we’d have to call “a delicate negotiation“ going on right now. F and J say that they might agree to join The Church of J2 and M—and the boldface is kind of nice, don’t you think? It was our graphic designer’s idea; she calls it “branding”—but only if we revise the Commandments slightly, which on the surface seems fine (J2 and I consider ourselves to be very reasonable Bishops or Archbishops, or whatever the heads of religions call themselves; is it Gods?). We’d be fine, I think, with a few slight tweaks of the Commandments.
But when I indicated that we might be open to a tweak or two, F and J suddenly revealed that what they meant by “minor tweak“ was the replacement of all the “Thou shalt”s with “Could you please”s. They clearly don’t understand the difference between “a Commandment“ and “a request.” (Nor do they know the meaning of “minor”! But that’s another matter. Don’t get me going on grammar and punctuation, or we’ll be here all day!)
Anyway, as I was saying: “Could you please” is not at ALL the same as “Thou shalt”; “Could you please” is much less emphatic, less “fire-and-brimstone, pound on the pulpit.” Our religion just wouldn’t have the same oomph if we had to water down the “thou shalt”s. We might be willing to leave out the “snappily“ part, but that’s as far as we’re willing to go at present.
After all, the whole point of The Church of J2 and M was for J2 and I to have a few people (more if possible) to boss about. And if the Commandments get weakened down like that, well it just wouldn’t be the same.
To end on a more positive note: we have a new Pope! F, a famous fellow-blogger from Cork, as part of her application to become a parishioner with The Church of J2 and M, indicated that she’d always wanted to be Pope. So Pope it is!
We’ve got our seamstresses working on some sumptuous new brocade vestments for F, and simply await her choice of Pope name. Until then you can refer to her as Pope New-Name-Still-To-Come the First
September 30: A brief update on the Church
Recruitment to The Church of J2 and M is on hiatus due to the utter despair of the chief recruitment officer at having failed to meet her performance targets.
On a more positive note: our new Pope has chosen her new Pope name! Please welcome Pope Spallebiondi the First, formerly known as Pope New-Name-Still-To-Come the First.
October 9: New ideas on Church vestments, and ritual
I’m sorry to report that we have no updates to offer on The Church of J2 and M in this Coda (though I did pop into an Orthodox Church here in Ljubljana during a Sunday evening service, which gave me some new ideas for church vestments, and ritual).
We’re recruiting again!
The Church of J2 and M is still a young church, and we’re aggressively expanding, looking to have branches on every major continent before the end of the millennium, and cathedrals in every country with an above-average GDP. Long story short: we’re recruiting again!
At present the only position we’ve definitely filled is Pope, so you can pretty much name your role: Archbishop; Bishop; Cardinal; Deacon or Deaconess; Prelate; Monsignor; Mother Superior; choir boy or girl. So if you’re a self-starter with an ecclesiastical bent, and if you’re willing to do what J2 and M tell you to do—and to do it snappily!—please send us your CV for consideration. Be advised, though, that at present there are no actual salaries for Church officiants, but your usual 10% cut of the collection plate should help to offset the cost of the necessary vestments.
Also: we’ve kick-started our pantheon of saints by borrowing a few of the more popular ones from our competitors: Saint Peter and Saint Paul (see above); Saint Francis; Saint Christopher; Saint Jude; Saint Teresa of Avila. Plus Saint Lidwina. Eventually, of course, we plan to have our own saints, so if you’re feeling saintly, please consider doing so for The Church of J2 and M! (Warning: sainthood can be painful, and may occasionally involve the loss of limbs).
Appendix A: An updated set of Commandments
While rummaging though Church archives in search of material to complete this history of the Church, we stumbled on draft versions of two additional Commandments, which apparently had never seen the light of day. You’ll recall that the first draft of our Commandments (above) offered approximately six. This revised draft brings us up to eight, and with your help we still hope to reach “the magic ten,” if not more.
We offer these updated Commandments as proof to potential parishioners that The Church of J2 and M is a bold, forward-thinking, and contemporary religion, definitely right up there with the other major Faiths.
- Thou shalt have the coffee of thy heart’s desire daily
- Thou shalt be happy
- Thou shalt be kind
- Thou shalt be accepting of the eccentricities of thy loved ones, without any rolling of thine eyes
- Thou shalt not go all egocentric, or drunk with Godly power, too quickly; if thou must go all egocentric, it shalt be done slowly
- Thou shalt share thy chocolate, thy pastries, and thine pretzels [Ed: an interim draft of this Commandment included the additional clause “with Church officials.” Test polls showed that some people felt—incorrectly—that this additional clause suggested a possible ulterior motive on the part of Church officials, so the clause was stricken]
- Thou shalt not use more than one “and” in thine conversational utterances, since nattering on is the Devil’s work. Verbal commas are OK in moderation, but the use of verbal semi-colons to extend thine utterances is also a “shalt not.”
- Thou shalt not interrupt someone in the midst of their utterance, particularly if they are honouring Commandment 7.
Note: You’ll notice that we’re currently at five “Thou shalt“s, against only three “Thou shalt not“s—which J2 and M both feel is proof that theirs is a gentle, not-as-bossy-as-some religion; membership in our Church should therefor be quite painless, really.
Appendix B: Commandments currently under consideration
- Thou Shalt use the Oxford comma in lists of three or more items [Ed: we realize that we’d be opening a can of worms with this one, since we definitely don’t want the Commandments to turn into another Chicago Manual of Style—but we can’t help noticing that, once you start Commanding, this whole “bossing about” thing can quickly become addictive…]
- We were also wondering whether a Commandment about not coveting might be useful: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours pastries”; that sort of thing. But then we thought: perhaps this is covered under Commandment 6, the one about sharing. Thoughts?
- Something about not killing; though, really: is this one not obvious already? Does it really need to be set down in stone?
- Your contribution here…
Danube to Dalmatia 